Well, it sounds kind of violent when you put it that way, but, I've heard the phrase 'emotional rape' a couple times in my adult life. It was a trend that peaked around the time 'emotional vampire' was still out of the mainstream. I won't go into too much detail about the vampires. We know who they are, those who pity themselves enough to evoke or extract a guilt-like feeling from their victims while speaking of their woes. There are different varieties.
Tonight, I was validated in such a way that I can't ignore. It was a conversation that has built on other conversations and culminated with a sister of a friend telling me that she has trouble at work. It's the kind of trouble she's definitely leaving town over and will never look back, except when she's framing her masters degree in public health and typing those letters after her name on resumes.
You know what I'm saying?
I like to think this town could use a girl like her for good instead of trying to chew her up and spit her half way across the country, but that, apparently is just me.
She sat next to me in all seriousness and told me that her quality control co-worker threatened to stab her on a regular basis. In context, the co-worker might be joking; but then she was told to 'watch herself when she's waling in dark alley ways.'
I've experienced similar intimidation. Whereas, my experience was sometimes more covert and systematic, it's the type of experience that just cuts into your spirit. It's generations and generations of un-doing what took a long time to overcome in tiny cuts and light shoves. They add up, and although, scoffing at this with levity seems a survival instinct, the side effects can't be ignored when family and friends begin to worry. It's hostility where there should be understanding. It's paranoia where there should be sturdy trust.
And like my spiritual big-girl panties protect my bank account from getting too low because I fear being a bag lady, when someone tries to push you out of a job, is it not emotional rape? To threaten someone's survival because they don't subscribe to your pontificated morality or attend your church?
I looked at my facebook page tonight and I have somehow been listed as interested in socialist events, right? The communist book store sends me invites all the time. I'm not really interested, but there they are coming up in the feed.
I never asked for that and sometimes it pisses me off when I read about people being against so much instead of for it. It's an uphill battle.
I accept what other people believe and I expect be respected because I've earned it.
I believe what I believe because I've also earned that.
I earned my beliefs.
I pay for the things that I believe in, every day because I don't walk up to strangers to try to prove I have faith. I just have it. I don't tell everyone about it because I live in it and they should see it. Or not. It's none of my business.
I woke up this morning and read the news that a toddler was shot during the Fourth of July celebration. The eyes of America were on something else; another child who died and whose mother was accused. The only thing I took away with me was that it took 3 years to sort out the details and come to a verdict.
Who is guilty? Who is guilty when children are carrying around guns and toddlers are shot and then someone else is stabbed nearby? That happened right down the street, but the eyes of America are glued on the crazy white girl in Florida competing in a hot body contest while her daughter decomposes in her trunk.
And my friend's sister whose father rubs elbows with judges in another town gets called white trash by the director of her city program and she hears about it from co-workers, but at that point, she's so fed up with being told she's going to be stabbed by her other co-worker that what the director thinks of her doesn't even matter anymore. Know what I'm saying?
So, she's leaving town. No one would chose to live a life like that. And when a person has choices, it's obvious what to do.
But when a person like me who grew up here sees all of this happening, it's more disparaging.
You know when you get cocky and someone tells you not to forget where you came from? I came from here and I can see the resentment in her face and I wish there was something I could do, but similar things are happening to me. It's so trite to say, "they're jealous" "they're threatened by me". Isn't that cocky, anyway? And isn't it just unfair when someone just prevents you from being successful; and when they can't do that they just make up stories to screw with your reputation?
( TWO YEARS LATER... )
No wonder the culture is angry.
I'm not talking about heritage or country of origin. I'm talking about YOUR fucking town.
You did this. You made it this way and it's your job to fix it.
Don't tell me how shitty it is when you're the shitty part about it.
Don't write emails to my boss telling them about what you GUESS might be a medical problem I had or have. No one cares. No one cares that you really took a far-reaching 'stab' at character assassination.
I know it stings.
Think about it.
Feel it.
No one cares.
You lost.
Game. Set. Match.
Everyone read it and they still like me.
The only way you could find out something bad about me is if you turned your face away from God himself and denied that I am his child.
And the only reason you would do such a nasty thing is because you hate yourself.
I do not feel bad.
I DO, however feel that you will be angered infinitely when you find out you didn't win this and you'll try again.
And that's why I have sought legal action ; just because you're that scary and nasty that I'm not sure what you'll do next.
Just for good measure:
If you try to hurt me again, it will with great force come back toward you and your family for three generations at ten times the velocity that you shoot your angry arrows at me and my family.
I was helping someone when you found me 'vulnerable' and you WILL NOT TAKE my willingness to serve people from me by attempting to instill me with fear.
Your pride and self-righteousness is thinly veiled cowardice.
So now I lead gently and I lean back against the warm wind of faith that kept me alive today and safe today.
I wish that you would only see the light of which you speak was shed in hopes to cast shadows.
But if not...
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