St. Francis

I lost everything we were just talking about, but it was all brilliant and geniusy, I know it.
I was scared the other evening when I saw police lights that I would have a seizure, real fear.
I'm supposed to be watching myself for 'funny feelings,' that's what the doctor said.  And my hands have been shaking like, well, a gutter drunk, so that's no bueno, but like I used to say in my early twenties, something's------ got------ to --------- GIVE.

Little J. is on the phone talking about staying up all night, I picture him rocking back and forth, even though he wasn't.  He was up all night just thinking of what text message to send.  Like----WHAT words can he type on his phone that will represent the plethora of feelings he's been having.

It's during a time when we are discussing a lot of ownership stuff.  What's mine?  What's yours?  What dead weight am I carrying and why can't I decifer for the love of god WHERE I belong?

I'm already frowned upon because I smoke, so, that's NOT MINE but I feel like I have to deal with it, respectively for legal reasons if for nothing else and wanting to be around people and not standing outside in the cold.  So, I decided to quit.  I know there's no such thing as weening and I almost don't care about the nicotine I just don't want to start shaking and hallucinating when I don't have a cigarette for seven hours.
Yes I just fucking said that.  I see demons like my father did when he was first quitting drinking.
I saw some suits looking in my direction the other day and thought for sure they were mocking me and someone pressed a button on a computer somewhere that said, "make her quake".
Yeah, like that exists.
In truth I felt so shaky at lunch that I couldn't carry my own lemonade.  And no one is really looking at me for any other reason than perhaps that I am pretty and it's human nature to look at other people.
High blood pressure can do strange things to the already uptight.

( Mocking Jay )
Very much like William S. Burroughs.  It's like that.

And I realized that quitting smoking and quitting seizure medicine simultaneously is "un comfort able".

It's more than uncomfortable.  Surprisingly enough, I am sleeping just fine.  I know Valerian root like it's my best friend in the world.  Insomniac since age three.
It's just the days that make me wiggy.

And so my other best friend, coffee?  I had to put that down for a while.  I made myself a weak pot today and took a few sips and poured it down the drain.  I never DRANK IT FOR THE TASTE.  I drank it for the wakefulness.

Without all of my securities, I feel ULTRA insecure.


"Yeah, you're a chainer."  Rae, Mj.  She's always quitting too.  She talks about it constantly.  She tells me everything in relation to how much it made her want to smoke.
And then she tells me what it's like to start again.

It makes me never want to quit when someone goes on and on about how terrible it is.

My other dear friend said that he honestly didn't leave the house for a few days and when he did, he genuinely felt invisible.  Genuinely.  Felt like people couldn't see him at all, walking around the city and it scared the shit out of him when someone said 'Hello' to him.  And he tried to get away as soon as possible.

But, more about Little Joe.  This cigarette talk is boring.  Except for the invisible story ( we'll always have that ).

So, what he sat up all night to communicate was :" I NEED TO GIVE YOU YOUR BOOK BACK"
Dead air.
Separation anxiety.  Coming on too strong.

Then two months later, he said " HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! emoticon, emoticon, fire works, celebratory emoticons."
Dead air.
And then the last text: I HATE YOU.
Dead air.

Of course.   Of course.
Sometimes I am a genius.  Other times I am just dangerously curious.  I ask too many questions.  It's like a Robert Frost poem when it really needs to be the Tao Te Ching.  Could I pivot on that?

The only reason my friends call to tell me their stories is because they know I'll remember almost every detail.  I'll tell them their own stories years later, like an elephant.

So, I am here aiming for wisdom.  And there isn't anything left but the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.
"Seek to comfort rather than to be comforted."