Swamp Creatures on a Pedestal

Three hours worth of movie.  Five hours worth of sleep.
Countdown to Fourteen.  Nothing is in the cards.
Except that I am supposed to move away because of this.  Not run away, but move.

That was very clear and repeated.  It was advised by my subconscious and my conscious mind.

Men carrying rods and looking to unload them on the horizon of the city.  Yikes.

I shot arrows.  Remember cupid is evil in the real myth.  Don't forget that!  I'm supposed to take a boat to a place, no less.  I love being in other places, but I don't like to travel.  It's probably because of the terrorist stuff and the Stockholm syndrome!  Why stay?  Really.  There's no reason.

L is in jail and so is C.  Probably forever.  Like birds in cages.  They both have watery, sparkly eyes.
The photo at the top of the stairs where my Grandmother had her stroke?  The photo is of her father and his six brothers.  Some of them played instruments.  Tommy played the piano.  The other one went to California.  I don't know much about the rest of them.
Her father had Hodgkin's and they had him on so much morphine at the end that it would kill two horses.
Well, that makes sense.  The Dharma.
Both Great Grandfathers worked for the railroad.

It makes sense that I am where I am.  Except the boat I need to get on to become an Empress.
I don't have to worry about the men carrying the rods.  They were the ones who picked them up.  Sorry for your burden.

MJ is in Brazil.  I wish I was there. I picture us wearing white overalls.  That would symbolize security and the new year.
E has a baby seat in his car and has a bunch of intimacy and patience.
S has no sense of the importance of other people's time.

Gathering up a list of pros and cons.  One list is longer.  We all know the answer.
To act as if we don't would be just a scene in the drama, pretending.  The costumes aren't even that great.

My first thought today was of footy pajamas.  I gave them as gifts in my dream.  Only if I count backward can I remember the thoughts about wearing a onesie.  It began while I was doing laundry last evening.
These days are only for figuring out what to wear that will hide me safely and taking three showers a day and sitting in the tub until the water is gone.  Rinse, repeat.  Wrapped up like baby Jesus.

JC received a pair of pajamas in the dream.  LGJ, to be exact.  He needs footy pajamas as much as I do. We could wear them like space suits and be astronauts and come back to earth and be born out of the water like all the myths and like all the movies.

Be careful not to put anyone on a pedestal of course.  We're all just swamp creatures with too much technology returning us to root level at the base.

Chakra separation ceremony, picturing Siamese twins in the kaleidoscope.  Being far away is the answer.  Travel by water.  Listen to audio books.  Learn another language.  Spend all the money at amazon.  Eat crackers with the family.  And leave when it's time to go.            
    

Algae and your subatomic particulars

I'm not sure how to begin this; always fighting for my health.
People say it's because I smoke, but one came before the other, I remember.

Oh, I never can sleep?  When did this happen?  I remember being three and not sleeping.
And my first cigarette wasn't until I was seven.  It's not that simple.
The cigarettes are a symptom and for all those only comfortable not talking about the underlying things,
they'll brush it off as something they can understand.

It's comfortable suffering.
Could it be that simple that the path through the woods I've been running down since then has pushed people away and isolated me from humanity?  Sure.
Probably.
Or maybe it's a self-defense mechanism.  Not maybe.  Definitely.

I can't tolerate wasting time with you if you're ignoring the signs.  I can't even speak your language.
The Chinese doctor is making me herbs to relax.  He stabbed my trigger points with needles.  He said I was a know-it-all-eagle.

Sigh.  I am supposed to read Tao te Ching and figure out how to be sick of sickness and not be a know it all.

Short Sentences Abound

Magnetic refrigerator letters
Will spell out the next sentence

Carnelian

No one swindles the Circus Ringmaster
No one can see into the house from the outside
The Jack Russel can jump four feet high
There is black ice on the walk way and an evergreen over head

It's his job to destroy Babylon, he said
And I feel safer around schizophrenia-talkers
than Jive-turkeys
Hiding, reading books, talking with the priest and the lawyer
and the woman from the death metal band in San Francisco

Angry burners, east coast burners, orange semi-precious stones
bursting purple in front of my eyes
Flat anterior, pressed, he holds and shakes two knots where the wings
would have been torn from my back if I were an angel like the pictures on
ceilings in Rome
scars from when I wept

-- Angry hurtful angels in fountains, harming each other, harming for entertainment
Holding the swan by its neck?  Remember?

Jolting the knots between his fingers, shaking them to mimic their vibration
A low hum bass drum
"I didn't see her, but she was there two feet away from my drum getting off
and I always listen when older people, especially women tell me something..."

Someone hurt you; I'm listening
You didn't deserve it.  You haven't healed.
You didn't deserve it.  You're a good person.
You need to honor that.

It's highly emotional and no doubt physical.
Very physical.  This is real.

I sit on the toilet and watch him shower as he slips into fake Patois.
very fake.
I watch him pace on the porch, checking his phone.
I watch him look up his favorite hip hop songs on the computer.
I watch him watch me test out the new work out equipment.
I watch him shake a sleeping cat from his coat.

Why are you talking like that?  Why are you so nervous, why is this song so sad?
Why are you training so hard, and why didn't we see him climb in there?

Why am I here?  Why did you go away?  Why is there so much distance everywhere at all times?
Why the space?  Why the silence?

She is in her office talking to me over the phone, describing her perspective from paradise, from the world wires.
I tell her, this is hard for me because I don't know what happened; all I can describe is the
aftermath.  Backtracking, she sums it up.  She tells me what my role was.  She interjects a piece of the puzzle that I need to hear again and again, which is 'never again.'
She advises me not to listen to advice.

It's the best advice I ever took.

That Ice Cream Melted Really Fast

That Ice Cream Melted Really Fast
That's the joke of the day
If you go on a date with an anesthesiologist

And I'm not sure why it's funny or even if it's funny
Keep your pants on,

seriously
If it's a choice

But you can always blame the propofol
That way your honor is protected

I came out of the closet.

I totally came out of the closet to my mom when I was 26.  I came out of the closet.
And no one believed me.

No one.

Now I have a different thing that people can make fun of me for or not believe me or call me silly for.
In fact, 2 different things.

And you'll never know until we're close friends and/or you thoroughly examine my book collection.

Everyone has been missing for four months.
Amanda said she was hanging Xmas lights outside all day for Jay's mom.

So, like, now, code word for 'you're an asshole and no one wants to answer your call or texts' is that 'I was out hanging Xmas lights and also my phone died.'

Syphilis?

Sisyphus.
Sisyphus.

Oh, riiiiight.  Right.