Algae and your subatomic particulars

I'm not sure how to begin this; always fighting for my health.
People say it's because I smoke, but one came before the other, I remember.

Oh, I never can sleep?  When did this happen?  I remember being three and not sleeping.
And my first cigarette wasn't until I was seven.  It's not that simple.
The cigarettes are a symptom and for all those only comfortable not talking about the underlying things,
they'll brush it off as something they can understand.

It's comfortable suffering.
Could it be that simple that the path through the woods I've been running down since then has pushed people away and isolated me from humanity?  Sure.
Probably.
Or maybe it's a self-defense mechanism.  Not maybe.  Definitely.

I can't tolerate wasting time with you if you're ignoring the signs.  I can't even speak your language.
The Chinese doctor is making me herbs to relax.  He stabbed my trigger points with needles.  He said I was a know-it-all-eagle.

Sigh.  I am supposed to read Tao te Ching and figure out how to be sick of sickness and not be a know it all.

Short Sentences Abound

Magnetic refrigerator letters
Will spell out the next sentence

Carnelian

No one swindles the Circus Ringmaster
No one can see into the house from the outside
The Jack Russel can jump four feet high
There is black ice on the walk way and an evergreen over head

It's his job to destroy Babylon, he said
And I feel safer around schizophrenia-talkers
than Jive-turkeys
Hiding, reading books, talking with the priest and the lawyer
and the woman from the death metal band in San Francisco

Angry burners, east coast burners, orange semi-precious stones
bursting purple in front of my eyes
Flat anterior, pressed, he holds and shakes two knots where the wings
would have been torn from my back if I were an angel like the pictures on
ceilings in Rome
scars from when I wept

-- Angry hurtful angels in fountains, harming each other, harming for entertainment
Holding the swan by its neck?  Remember?

Jolting the knots between his fingers, shaking them to mimic their vibration
A low hum bass drum
"I didn't see her, but she was there two feet away from my drum getting off
and I always listen when older people, especially women tell me something..."

Someone hurt you; I'm listening
You didn't deserve it.  You haven't healed.
You didn't deserve it.  You're a good person.
You need to honor that.

It's highly emotional and no doubt physical.
Very physical.  This is real.

I sit on the toilet and watch him shower as he slips into fake Patois.
very fake.
I watch him pace on the porch, checking his phone.
I watch him look up his favorite hip hop songs on the computer.
I watch him watch me test out the new work out equipment.
I watch him shake a sleeping cat from his coat.

Why are you talking like that?  Why are you so nervous, why is this song so sad?
Why are you training so hard, and why didn't we see him climb in there?

Why am I here?  Why did you go away?  Why is there so much distance everywhere at all times?
Why the space?  Why the silence?

She is in her office talking to me over the phone, describing her perspective from paradise, from the world wires.
I tell her, this is hard for me because I don't know what happened; all I can describe is the
aftermath.  Backtracking, she sums it up.  She tells me what my role was.  She interjects a piece of the puzzle that I need to hear again and again, which is 'never again.'
She advises me not to listen to advice.

It's the best advice I ever took.

That Ice Cream Melted Really Fast

That Ice Cream Melted Really Fast
That's the joke of the day
If you go on a date with an anesthesiologist

And I'm not sure why it's funny or even if it's funny
Keep your pants on,

seriously
If it's a choice

But you can always blame the propofol
That way your honor is protected

I came out of the closet.

I totally came out of the closet to my mom when I was 26.  I came out of the closet.
And no one believed me.

No one.

Now I have a different thing that people can make fun of me for or not believe me or call me silly for.
In fact, 2 different things.

And you'll never know until we're close friends and/or you thoroughly examine my book collection.

Everyone has been missing for four months.
Amanda said she was hanging Xmas lights outside all day for Jay's mom.

So, like, now, code word for 'you're an asshole and no one wants to answer your call or texts' is that 'I was out hanging Xmas lights and also my phone died.'

Syphilis?

Sisyphus.
Sisyphus.

Oh, riiiiight.  Right.

That Graffiti Looks Like a Tarot Card

Persephone blogs twice in a night as tenderness was lost in the Internet
She weeps for her longings as musings of what should be are lost
like a lighter in the bottom of her purse
except worse.

The music stopped, but we're still dancing as the kids roll face around us
in Miami
under the freeway
you'll usually find something you weren't looking for
especially when you're so actively looking

Conversating with a vernacular that only comes out at four in the morning

The darkest part of night, dew on the car windows, mist in the air
A lost person in a Lexus, then a Honda hum past
Distant enough not to see

Like illegal tint on the front side windows--- you're not allowed not to be seen
To let them see your face is to shame yourself

Frozen in a time capsule in the living room, day dreaming of 2008
Day dreaming of lost love
Day dreaming about advice given and not heeded
Dreading admitting that society's paradigm is bigger than us all

Fighting an uphill battle

Kk said to wait a few months and tell her again that divorced guys are good
And I wondered how she knew or if she knew anything in particular
I could have pressed
But didn't as she nodded and batted her eye lashes saying 'you'll find out what I mean, so don't even ask since you're so smart'
Smart ass.

I never take advice.
Not even my own.

Feminism is totally dead, I can tell
Because whenever I write about it in public someone explicitly
implies that I am racist for it or something along those lines
And that kind of makes me not want to analyze anything anymore.  

"You don't even want someone like that THINKING about you."

Keep your head down.
Even though I am a master at applying theory
If I am creative enough, any theory can be applied to any THING

So what's the use when there isn't a real authority on anything?
Rebels without a cause commenting all over the Internet like ugly graffiti

And that's real talk because I'm an avid fan of graffiti in general
It makes me feel alive when I see a masterful piece of work with heart behind it
With color and flow and placement
Train cars are the best; a traveling art show like an anonymous circus

Into the shadows like a mythological woman on a tarot card
awaiting a magician
awaiting a throne and a scepter

A chalice

Don't even talk about a chalice.

You've got to be kidding me, Persephone.
It was over before you started.

You get the death card.