What is Next?

I want my money.
I want my juicer
And by the way
I want all of
my nudes
on a thumb drive.

He couldn't be nice to me unless he was comfortable, he said.
It's not my job to provide comfort.
He was an alien.
He only liked digital relationships.
I found his cam girl files once.
I backtracked on his browser history to girls he was talking to before me.

He left no trace; just the skeleton of proof; but left worlds and worlds of pain. 

I feel guilt.
I feel like I robbed myself. 

I paid for my own ride to hell and half way back I just
got lost.

Lost and found.

My best friend got put into the psych ward about four times during the downward spiral of my relationship and my career.  How did that happen?  Empathy?  Sympathy-mid-life-crisis?

My friends called me for a lifeline.

(I'll take your calls for a lifetime.)

Having side effects
from medication and not the fun type.
Dizzy.
Couldn't drive because of anxiety about why I was feeling dizzy.
I don't need brain medicines.  Exercise fixes my brain.  And sleep.

Sick as sick could be.

Never sleeping enough.

He got me sick on his way in,
He got me sick on his way out,
Before he took his stupid trip that ended us.
The trip that ended our trip.
I was trippin'

The 28 year old was sweet talking me at night
And the stupid Liberian asshole sent me a dick pic video via snapchat.
And everyone was reading signals that I was available
Not respecting my relationship was the theme.
But it was that my needs weren't being met

You like this big ass?

"You have an ass now and you never did before" said the paramedic friend from first grade who went to AA 'classes' and made a baby with a girl I met for the first time in the Apple store when my entire life was falling apart.

That day I waited for my computer to be fixed and found more humanity sitting at a table with strangers than I might have had in three long years with the two day parker.

I turned Jeremy down and he contributed to my political demise because I didn't want to get back together and he needed to flex his masculinity and 'hate fuck' me metaphorically because

I stopped

fucking him.

Literally.

One man at the apple store was a cop.  I said, "Oh. Yeah, the murder suicide that happened must have been tough" and he said

"yes.  It was."
It could be any of us.  Witnessing someone losing it--- you can't fix a person if they're broken.
You can't fix any person.

People go crazy all of the time.  The thing is that you can come back from crazy.

You can snap out of a fantasy.
You can live out a fantasy. 

You can also choose to burn it all down to the ground. 

I have this choice to make.  It's my world.  So.
What do I want?

I have dreams too. 

I'm not here for your comfort or entertainment.

That just happens. 

What is next?

Jean Genet

"At night I often stay awake. I am the sentinel at the gate of the sleep of others, whose master I am. I am the spirit that hovers above the shapeless mass of dream..."

Jean Genet

Grass Roots

I tried to fight obesity on grass roots level today by bringing diet sodas to my friends at work. They hated the idea.

Having Thin

Stomping into a bowl of gelato
Angry and fat
Sweat is dread
Spandex is elastic and always fits
Having thin

The-Two-Day-Parker

From The Boyfriends and Friend Boys Series

The-Two-Day-Parker

When he said he wanted to see me on my actual birthday, I was horrified.  What did that mean for where we were headed?  Was I being captured?  Was this guy trying to wife me?

I flashed back to our first date the previous month.  It was rainy, I didn’t want to do anything but go home.  We met at chipotle and went to a comedy show.  At the end of the night, I was deciphering whether or not to go to the dance club.  I was also deciding if I did go, if I would want to take him. 

I said, “where is your car?”  Once we established that he had parked in the garage, I asked how long he had and what time the garage closed.

It closed at midnight and it was 11:00pm.  I looked worriedly at him and said that he should move it to the street if we are going to the dance party, and I was hoping we could both drive, furthermore because I wasn’t sure about this guy.

Then he said the strangest thing.  And I was alarmed.

He said that he had paid for two days. 

I am sure there was some explanation, like a reasonable price, but if not, 

that was presumptuous of him!  I looked at him and he could tell that I was concerned because I hadn’t decided if I wanted to sleep with him and even if I did, I am the type of person who will kick a guy out at four in the morning because I can’t get comfortable with a stranger in my bed.  It’s rare that I can actually sleep next to someone in the same bed.  I didn’t want to get into THAT conversation at all because even if I didn’t like him, I couldn’t possibly reveal how much of a neurotic freak I am on the first date.  That’s privileged information. 

Then another thought occurred.

-->

How many dates did he have in Baltimore that weekend?  He drove a half hour possibly an hour to get to our date.  Maybe he didn’t want to drive home. We’ll never know.  It could have been possible that he had an already established booty call nearby, hence the parked car.   

April 2014

Selfish Heartless

Cowardly and Crummy.
Pettiness.
Cheapness.
I hate that. 

Meditate on This

https://goo.gl/photos/EbGGdjqFJQAakZyg7